the weight of it all

5 Sep

You know how you know things but you don’t feel or realize their impact? Like when someone tells you they’re moving, but you don’t really feel the impact until they call you from their new house and tell you about their new life. Well, I’m kind of getting that “weight” aspect of things. About five minutes ago, it just hit me. Something I knew but never faced, never embraced and never took seriously. I knew that This Is The Way Things Are and I need to Grow Up and Accept It, but knowing things isn’t the same as feeling them. I remember in first grade when they told us we were holding up tons of air on our shoulders, but we didn’t realize it or we couldn’t feel it because we’ve been used to it all our lives. Or something like that. It’s as if all the air has come crashing down full force, heavy and weighted, it’s presence demanding to be noticed, just crushing my shoulders.
I knew that I wasn’t old enough. I knew that I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, interesting enough, funny enough, smart enough, good enough, but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t embrace it and know it until right now. I always do this… I always hold out hope something is going to happen, but know that it never will and it never does. But the difference between this time and the others is that he knows how I feel, he knows where I stand. We’re friends, I know a little about him and he knows… nothing about me. And he doesn’t care, I know that too. It hurts more than it should and it makes me feel stupider than it should. I don’t know why I do this to myself, set myself up for a straight and easy way to get hurt, but I do. I’ve always done it, but this time it’s different, because there are two players, not one. Not my mind and I, weaving our own little story and creating a person out of an empty shell of someone I don’t even know, this is him and me, I know him. I know who he is, a lot of his bad qualities and few of his good. But yet… I don’t know. I don’t know.  I just don’t fucking know.

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