self-pity, jealousy, angst

13 May

You might be able to tell by the title that this blog will probably contain an insufferable amount of whining, and if you couldn’t deduce that from the title, I am giving you fair warning: this blog contains a shitton of whining.
Now, what is it you’re whining about today, Caitlyn? I’m whining about the big fat jealous failure of a writer/person I am. See, there is this magazine thing in my region of my state for high school students to submit poetry, short stories and artwork to. Maybe one short story is accepted, and the rest of the content is poetry and artwork. So, as the wannabe poet I am, I submitted about three or four poems, none of which were published. This hurts, so so so much because I am the type of person that has so little confidence in their work, not to mention self, that I need reassurance and someone else to believe in me in order to believe in myself. I am aware this is pathetic.  I am aware that this is just a fancy way of saying I’m weak. But, it is who I am, pathetic and weak, at least when it comes to my work. And my work has such a solid affect and hold on me, that my world can break, little bits at a time if my work isn’t appreciated.
I’m not saying I’ve never heard a compliment, I’m saying that I’ve never believed a compliment, or heard a compliment from the right place. My friends who read my poetry tell me it’s “SOO GOOOOD”, but I can’t help but doubt them and think they’re only lying to me so I feel better about myself, or so they don’t hurt my feelings. And, despite what you may assume from what I previously mentioned, I would prefer someone tell me, honestly, that my poem sucked. But I don’t have that advantage. Or teachers, who when I ask for their opinion, they don’t give me an opinion; they just tell me to either a. read more classical literature or b. edit, edit, EDIT , neither of which helps me much on the opinion front or writing front. So, basically I’m stuck with hearing my friends say I’m great, my teachers telling me what to do and my parents saying I can do anything I want. So I am devoid of an honest, straightforward opinion, which just hinders my work.
Onto the jealousy front. One of my best friends, whom I love dearly, but, unfortunately,  am ridiculously jealous of. She made it to the semi-final round for the speech writing competition at the beginning of the year and then she had her poem published in aforementioned magazine thing. And it’s not as if she sucks and I feel it is unjust she was published and I wasn’t, it is that she is substantially more talented than me and I am jealous. And I know her work is good, really good, but I know, deep, deep de(eeeee)p down, my work is good too. But I always feel less talented the less my work is appreciated. As I think I’ve said a few thousand times in this blog. Not to mention, my teacher insists on analyzing my friend’s poem and emphasizing on how she is published now. We now have a published writer in our class. What do I get? To sit across from my friend, smile and act like everything is fine. I get to get into a writing conference at the college of my dreams, but I don’t get to go. I get to sit here and write a blog and dwell in my pathetic weakness and cry about how untalented and useless I am.

And on that depressing (coughpatheticcough) note,

Caitlyn

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One Response to “self-pity, jealousy, angst”

  1. Natasha May 17, 2010 at 9:26 pm #

    Ehh, sounds like life, unfortunately. And you are talented! 🙂

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